Cocktail Cinema: Doomsday

The guys whip up an apocalyptic drink and debate whether this terrible film has any redeeming qualities. Spoiler alert: Josh is a fan.

The Hollywood Education: Movie Logic

Movie logic dictates that certain things just need to happen for the world to keep spinning. There are certain truths that are intrinsic to the fabric of the very universe, and upon these things we base our science, governments, and belief systems. Here are 13 examples of movie logic that holds the universe together.

The Laws of Necessary Crime and Violence

1. Banks get robbed, like, every day.

2. If you beat someone up and take their clothes, they will fit you perfectly.

3. Every crime is caught on camera.

4. Every argument requires pointing guns, throwing things, and several broken panes of glass.

5. As you lay dying, you will be able to utter one last incredibly inspiring and gut-wrenching speech with your last breath. And then die gracefully. Because no matter how violent your death, you will die quietly and peacefully. Unless you’re a red shirt or a useless lackey.

6. Every road trip contains at least one flat tire, which will inevitably lead to someone being kidnapped or murdered.

7. Violence absolutely solves everything.

The Laws of Superhero Plot Armor

8. No matter what disaster, event, you are in the middle of, there is always time for a long, passionate kiss. Nothing bad can happen in those 30-45 seconds.

9. People don’t generally care how many cities you destroy if you tell them “I’m here to help.”

10. If a superhero takes the phrase “the world is your playground” literally, you’re gonna have a bad time.

11. An itty-bitty mask or a pair of wiry glasses will conceal your identity from anyone.

The Laws of How TF Are They Communicating

12. Aliens all speak English; it’s their native language or something.

13. There are two languages on this planet. People from other countries speak english with an accent, or they speak in a strange gibberish known as “subtitles.”

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The Hollywood Education: War

War and combat have plagued our species for millenia. If you want to survive the reality that movies and television say we live in, you gotta learn to fight. But you can’t just learn to fight like any old goon. No, you’ve gotta learn how to fight…like a PROTAGONIST! Here’s five tips from tv and film to help you become the ultimate warrior.

1. It’s just you against a whole army? You can take ’em.

2. No matter how many times you have been shot, you will be fine.

3. You will always hit whatever you aim for; the enemy, however, has never used a gun before.

4. A long, drawn out conversation with the leader of the enemy forces is necessary before engaging in your final fight.

5. Also, when fighting the enemy leader, forgo guns (and all weapons, for that matter); hand-to-hand combat is the way to go.

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